Be Careful What You Wish For
by IzabellaRiddle
Summary: To he who wishes with a pure heart may his words be headed and fulfilled so that he may come to understand the power of wishing idle things. contains McShep slash...written by Z.
1. Chapter 1

_You're the reason I go on_

_And now I need to live the truth_

Celine Dion – I Surrender 

Looking back now Rodney understands what has been happening between them all these years. He guesses you could say that it hit him suddenly when John tried to ride that ancient shuttle down out of orbit. Though it seemed much as his many other flyboy suicide runs it felt much different. When he didn't answer their hails on the com Rodney nearly has a panic attack.

John would never realize that he's what keeps Rodney going. With his smirk and Kirk like attitude John keeps Rodney focused so that he can save everyone again and again. It happens way more often than it should and John has saved Rodney more times then even John knows.

Rodney needs to tell John the truth but he is afraid of what may happen if he does. A confession such as that could destroy their team, the expedition, Atlantis, and even Earth if it happened at the wrong time.

He's there in you life, he's sharing your nights 

_I'll never be, never be, never be right_

_Ruff Endz – If I Was The One_

For weeks Rodney walked in a daze he couldn't figure out the right time to tell John or if there ever would be one. He had started to spend even more time in his labs or walking the city after everyone had gone to sleep for the night.

Rodney stopped his walk hearing familiar voices around the corner. Stifling a gasp he turned away after looking around the corner for a short second. Halfway down the hall standing in front of Ronon's quarters is John and Ronon.

Looking back around the corner he notices that they are speaking quietly. Ronon has John practically pinned to the wall but is standing with his hands on the wall beside John's head.

"Ronon this is…" he started

"Shep look both of us know that neither of us can have what we really want so we take what we can get. It's that simple and always will be," Ronon stated

"I guess so," John laughed

Ronon took that as an accent and kissed John holding him firmly against the wall. Seconds later the two men disappeared into Ronon's room the door closing behind them without a sound. Rodney continued to walk finally ending up on the far pier where he stayed until the sunrise knowing he would never be good enough to share John's nights.

Can you save me from this world of mine 

_Before I get myself arrested with this expectation_

_You are the one look what you've done_

_Train – Ordinary_

"I don't really know how or when it happened but it did. I think it's been coming for a long time," Rodney said

"What are you talking about Rodney," John asks looking around the deserted hall nervously.

"What I'm trying to say is that I…I love you," Rodney answered softly

John shot up straight and looked at Rodney for a moment before rushing off in the other direction. He didn't say a word and soon John turned the corner. John knows not what he has done to the man he calls his best friend.

Rodney hurries back to his labs his hands deep in his pockets his eyes trained on the floor. For so long he had wondered what John's response would be in his mind he had created his own world. John was supposed to make him come out of his daydream world. Without John's answer Rodney is trapped there wondering how he's going to get out.

And if you ask me if I love him 

_I'd lie_

_Taylor Swift – I'd Lie_

Rodney sat down at his normal corner table one he has sat at for the last year and a half. When they first came to Atlantis Rodney would always sit by himself but when he became part of John's team he hadn't sat alone for nearly three years. Now he is relived for the silence his confession has given him. He ate silently looking over his notes on his latest project. The small ancient device Rodney had found in an abandoned lab was no where to be found in the Ancient database and no one could figure out what it did or was made to do.

He looked up hearing John and Teyla coming into the commissary deep in conversation. His two teammates grabbed trays going through the lunch line before sitting down a couple tables away from Rodney. Teyla decided to sit with her back to Rodney so John takes a chair on the other side facing towards Rodney.

Minutes later Rodney is interrupted from his thought of John by a hello from Carson as he takes the seat beside Rodney. Rodney returns Carson's hello returning to his study of John.

"What are you doing Rodney," Carson asks following Rodney eyes to his contemplation of John.

"Just thinking about a conversation I heard last night," Rodney answered realizing the Scots look and returning to reading his notes

"You've been acting strangely for the past couple days what's up Rodney," Carson asked knowing his friend wouldn't give him a straight answer so he doesn't ask.

"Nothing really," Rodney says giving into the lie.

Rodney and Carson both know that if anyone asked of Rodney if he loved the military leader of Atlantis and his best friend that he'd lie. It was a sad fact and Carson and Rodney both hate that they know the truth.

Here we are 

_Isn't it familiar_

_Haven't had someone to talk to_

_In such a long time_

_Levi Kreis – I Should Go_

Rodney and John walked side by side out of Elizabeth's office and she smiles. For the last couple weeks everyone in the city had been noticing the distance between the scientist and the flyboy who had become best friends since coming to Atlantis almost four years ago.

As if something unspoken John and Rodney had noticed the distance and they wordlessly agreed to make it get back to normal. The conversation in the hall was pushed from John's mind though Rodney couldn't forget and just sent it into the back of his mind.

Everything was familiar again after two weeks of practically avoiding each other it was nice to talk and joke with John again though everyday that passed it got a little harder on Rodney.


	2. Chapter 2

I cant give you what you need 

_We'll always just be best friends_

_Hooverphonic – Out of Sight_

"You know your Kirking always get us into trouble," Rodney yelled as they raced for the gate

"Its not my fault that I didn't know what that stupid wreath of flowers meant," John yelled back as Rodney punched the Atlantean address into the DHD. Teyla sent through her IDC and they stepped back into Atlantis.

That night Rodney wasn't surprised to open his door when it chimed to find a very awkward looking John Sheppard standing there. Rodney lets him in and the doors slide closed behind him making both of them shudder at the slight scraping in the silence of the room.

"Rodney we can't do this anymore," John says sighing

"Do what colonel," Rodney asks knowing exactly what the man is talking about.

"Pretending what you said in the hall never happened. It's pulling the team apart," he said running a hand through his hair.

"Who says I'm pretending it never happened. We both know it did and its not going to go away until you answer the question," Rodney answers him not facing him once

"We're best friends we always will be I cant give you anything more than that," John whispers

"I never asked you too," Rodney mutters in response

John watches the back of his best friend go rigid and the door slides open. He takes it as a sign of dismissal and leaves the room without another word. On the other side of the closed door he stops leaning against the wall for support. A second later Lt. Colonel John Sheppard turns to walk down the hall way schooling his expression to show nothing of the conversation he just had with Dr. Rodney McKay. Inside the small room Rodney lets free a sob of anguish before letting the numbness take over.

For I must die for what I've done 

_A twist of fate a desert sun_

_For I see what I destroy_

_Sweet reflections knife into me_

_For I see what I destroy_

_I can see what I've begun_

_Vienna Teng – My Medea_

The planet was deadly hot having not one but three suns and they were stuck. The puddle jumpers were no more fit to run in extreme heat then they were to run underwater. Deciding to head back to the gate on foot they followed slowly behind John across the desert dunes of the planet half a galaxy away from their home. Teyla and Ronon had noticed that weeks ago something had happened between the two other members of their team. They had hoped that things would work out, as they had seemed to get along better the last two weeks but its seemed to them now that things were only worse.

Rodney knows that John is silent because of him, because of his presence. By the time they get to the gate they are all dehydrated and way too hot. Rodney dials the gate sending his IDC. Teyla screams John's name in that instant as he collapses to the sand unconscious. Without having to see Rodney knows that it is his fault, he wanted to come to this planet, he didn't get enough information from Atlantis, he hadn't been able to fix the puddle jumper, and he had made John so quiet. Rodney knows what he began and he knows how to end it.

Angels, they fell first but I'm still here 

_Alone as they are drawing near_

_In heaven my masterpiece will finally be sung_

_Nightwish – End of All Hope_

Rodney smiled at his friends as he walked down the corridor wondering vaguely about the light mist covering the bottom of the corridor. He stops letting his smile hit his eyes when he sees who the person before him is.

"Hello Peter," Rodney says in greeting his heart happy at seeing the man who had died almost three years ago trying to save Atlantis.

"Rodney you have come to join us," Peter said happily but with a hint of sadness. Peter knew far better than many what the lose of Rodney would do to the expedition.

Behind him Rodney could see all the expedition members who had fallen first. Sumner, Gall, Smith, Markham, Abrams, Dumais, Hayes…more even than that. The angels of the expedition they had fallen before him.

Beyond them a white light stood waiting Rodney stares in wonder so this is what the walk to heaven's gates is like. He looks at his friend and smiles knowing that he will not be entering the beyond now for he is bound to Atlantis until he has closure.

"Your masterpiece will be playing for you Rodney when you finally join us. Until then be at peace. You wont be alone for long," Peter smiled retreating into the gold along with the other angels. Rodney stands watching the golden light until it no longer lights the hall the misty fog disappearing with it.

Walking back through the door into his lab Rodney laughs at the sight before him. Dr. Rodney McKay slumped over his laptop keyboard seeming to be sleeping but Rodney knows the truth.

His wish was granted. He wished for death for the pain he caused his best friend and finally he realizes the meaning of the small Ancient device. The writing on the small box is suddenly so clear in its meaning. _To he who wishes with a pure heart may his words be headed and fulfilled so that he may come to understand the power of wishing idle things. _Rodney's wish for death, because of his actions, was headed and carried out the Ancients had done for Rodney what he could not do for himself.


	3. Chapter 3

For It's my thoughts that bind me here 

_It's this love that I most fear_

_Vienna Teng – My Medea_

That morning Radek sounds the alarm contacting Carson, Elizabeth, Ronon, Teyla, and John after entering the lab to start work.

Carson says theirs nothing he can do, Elizabeth says they'll bury Rodney on the mainland, Teyla bows her head tears falling down her cheeks saying nothing, Ronon says that Rodney was a brave warrior and friend, and John punches the wall breaking three fingers before sinking to the ground against the wall his head hidden in his hands.

Rodney watches quietly from the back as his coffin is lowered into the ground of the small cemetery they had created there in the first year of their living in Atlantis. Sumner, Gall, Abrams, Hayes, Johnson, Dumais, and others resided here and now Rodney did as well. At first Rodney didn't fully understand why he was a ghost walking the halls of his former home but then he realized it was his love of John that binds him to the city and her people. It is that love which he fears; he fears it may never let him go.

_No will to wake for this morn_

_To see another black rose born_

_Deathbed covered with snow_

_Nightwish – End of All Hope_

Groaning John slowly turns over in bed cursing the suns of Atlantis pulling him from his state of utter nothing into the light of day. He had not wanted to wake knowing that the reality of Rodney's death would be once again real.

No one blames John for Rodney's death but he's knows that it is his fault. He refused to answer Rodney's question and know Rodney is dead. John checks out a jumper flying it towards the mainland. Rodney sits beside him laughing when John flies in less then a straight line zigzagging across the sky. He remembers how much John loved to tease him when he couldn't fly the puddle jumper in a straight line even after years of practice. He sets down the jumper a couple hundred yards from the cemetery walking the rest of the way.

He shivers pulling his jacket closer around him guarding against the cold in the air. John smiles as his boots crunch on the snow covered ground. He walks slowly through the small cemetery stopping for a second to salute the head stone of Sumner's grave showing the man the respect John should have given him when he was alive. He smiles sadly as he passes Peter Grodin's grave knowing in reality that its any empty box making Peter's death all the more tragic. Finally he arrives at Rodney's grave and he stops looking down in surprise.

Rodney stands behind him knowing John doesn't want to see the black rose born slowly from his deathbed. Ironic that John's favorite flower should mock him with the death of Rodney McKay. The black against the snow covered ground makes Johns stomach twist reminding him too much of the loose of his best friend.

It's hard for me to tell you I love you 

_As I'm standing over your grave_

_And I know I'll never hear your voice again_

_Why did you leave me?_

_Why couldn't you just stay?_

_1__st__ Lady – Missing You_

"God Rodney why did you do this," he asks the cold ground, "you didn't need to leave you should have stayed."

Rodney moves to stand next to his friend beside his grave looking at the face of his friend with concern.

"I did it John because I needed to, all I was doing here was causing you pain," Rodney answers even though John cant hear him, "I deserved this for ruining your life."

"Do you know how hard it is for me to be standing here above our grave Rodney knowing what an awful mistake I made that day. I should have told you then that day in the corridor," he smiles sadly wiping stray tears from his cheeks, "I'm going to miss hearing your voice everyday Mer."

Rodney cringed at the use of his first name then relaxed when he realized that John meant it as an endearment instead of a joke as he usually did. At that he smiled happy that at least one person would know his true name. He realized belatedly that John was speaking to his headstone again.

"I guess the reason I came Rodney was to tell you that the reason I didn't answer you that day in the hall was because I was scared. Long ago I finally understood that you would never return the feelings that I found floating around us. I turned to Ronon, god he wants to be with Teyla so bad but the same as me he never saw it happening. Together we found what little comfort we could. All that time and I never told you Rodney and I'm sorry I love you Mer and I always will."

Rodney smiled sadly knowing that John would be okay. Reaching up Rodney ghosts his hand over John's cheek, "I love you too John, take care of our team, our friends, and Atlantis," he says

Rodney turns walking into the golden light smiling at Peter as he heads into the unknown that is now his life. Standing in the snow John shivers but not because of the cold. On the wind he hears a voice that will haunt him for years to come. The soft voice of his beloved friend Rodney proclaiming his love. John sinks down sitting in the cold snow until he's lifted to his feet and taken home hours later by what's left of his team.

I just don't know what to do with myself 

_I can't stand looking at those pictures on my shelf_

_Knowing it was just one week ago_

_I stood there and took that picture_

_1__st__ Lady – Missing You_

Teyla and Ronon watch as John stares at the picture on his office wall. They had always been there but John now looks at them like he is seeing them for the very first time. His teammates know that he is in shock and they know why Ronon having explained it to Teyla the same night he told her of his love for her.

John can't believe it was only a week ago that he took the picture that he hates to look at but can't stop himself from looking at. Less than a week ago Rodney was alive and was walking around the city. The picture was one John took in it they had their arms around each other's shoulders. John is smiling and so is Rodney though John can read that sorrow buried in Rodney's bright blue eyes the sorrow he caused. In his own hazel eyes John can remember and still knows the fear that he held that day.

A thousand dreams I still believe 

_I'll make you give them all to me_

_Celine Dion – I Surrender_

John packs up Rodney's room knowing it is the least he can do since he caused Rodney's death. The room is small the same size as his own quarters but seems to hold three times as much stuff. John begins his long journey through the possessions of his best friend. He places papers in one box, ancient tech in one, clothes in another, and other personal stuff in the last. Cleaning every inch of the room he exhausts himself falling asleep on the empty cold bed.

He had dreamed of the day he would have told Rodney that he loved him. He imagined them one-day maybe after the stupid DADT rule was lifted getting married on the mainland or even in Canada on Earth. He had many dreams for the two of them and in his mind he still believes them. John knows even as he closes his eyes slipping into one of his dreams that none of them will ever happen.

John smiles at his friends as he walks down the corridor wondering vaguely about the light mist covering the bottom of the corridor. He stops letting his smile hit his eyes when he sees the person he has been searching for.

"This is only a dream," John says knowing he will soon wake up

"No John this is no dream it is your wish," Rodney answers back

"A thousand dreams and this is that one that comes true," John laughs shaking his head

"Don't worry John we have forever together now," Rodney laughs walking with John hand in hand into the light, "I'll make you give them all to me."


End file.
